Stars and Midnight Moon

Ben and I have come a long way.

We have talked a lot about our relationship over the last week. 

He means more to me today than 7 years ago.

He is the moonlight to me in the midst of night.

I have given him my heart.  I have shown myself at my best and worst to him.

I often seem guarded and cold.  I like to think I can protect myself from hurt.

I cannot.

If you would, listen to the song that says to me what I would aspire to say of my my husband. It's song number 4 on the sidebar.  You can click the next button on the sidebar until you get to Stars and Midnight Moon. 

I am so thankful that he keeps a short record of wrongs.  I am thankful that the Lord is showing me how to bite my tongue.  It can be so hurtful.  You can never take back what leaves your mouth.  Ben has gently taught me that.  I am quick to speak.  Often to lash out at him, but that is mellowing as I am learning and being refined by my husband to be more like my Savior.

We are thankful that we have each other.  We love each other deeply, passionately, and strongly. We are learning how to love each other each day.

We have been through several difficult periods of our lives together.

The first year, we watched as his grandad died months after we were married.  I found skin cancer on Ben's back and his mom was diagnosed with cancer.  I also found out I was pregnant. I lost my mom's mom.  I had postpartum depression that went untreated.

Our second year I found out I was pregnant again.  We had a 5 month old at the time.  His mom found out she had another type of cancer.  

His grandmother died.  She was a precious beacon to us both.  The loss of her light was very hard on us.  She died on his birthday.

Ben left his job for a new one as a drug rep with Pfizer.  He was gone in New York when we sold our house by owner and moved to a new one in another town.  I was eight months pregnant with our second child.  We had a 14 month old.

Our third year, we were told we might have to move.  We were in limbo for months.  We thankfully did not have to.  I lost my dear grandmother.  I miss her and have a lump in my throat as I type this.  I will do a post about this wonderful woman I affectionately call Granny Hannie.

Our fourth year, we found out we were having another baby boy.  This would make #3.  Pfizer began a record number of layoffs.  Ben was one of them.  I was thankful for my beautiful baby number 3.  We called him our blessed distraction.   Layoffs happened at Christmas.  I didn't like Christmas lights that year.

I became cold and didn't warm up again until sometime this year.  Probably a couple of months ago.  We have in the last year sold our house, built a house, and rejoice in a job that Ben enjoys and is blessed to work with Godly men that he has great respect for.

I am more than thankful to put up Christmas decorations this year and to savor the Joy of this season than probably any year before.

I see that God is the Giver and the Taker.  I think I have often thought of my Father as only a Taker.  I am reminded now of how precious He is to also give.  It does hurt so when He takes.  I think that is why I am so guarded with my heart.  It hurts to lose.  I have for years feared the time when I will lose Ben.  The love of my life ripped from me.  I couldn't bear the thought of it.  So, I protected myself, so I thought, from the pain of it.  I would keep up a little wall that would keep me safe when that happened.

I am glad to say that the wall is gone.  It has melted.  In a marriage when the husband is seeking earnestly to be more like Christ, there is a safe-guard.  A stability.  A God-given ability to jackhammer stubborn spots in a wife's heart that are hard, perhaps wounded.  There is a softness with his prodding that protects wounds and heals.  Ben has been to me a Redeemer.  A healer, in spots that only the Lord could show him.  He has been faithful to continue to prod, carefully and diligently.  Even on the days that I wouldn't cooperate.

I am thankful to have given my heart to one such as you Ben.  I am more thankful than you will ever know that my boys have a daddy that they can watch love their mommy well.  Just like the song says,  "I have lost myself in you."  I am blessed to serve you and more than honored to be your wife.  Just like we said the other night, I am more in love with you now than ever.  I know this might be a bit much, especially if you're Ben's brother and you're reading this.  But if you are his brother, and you happen to read this, I want you to know these things.  He is a fine example of what it means to be a husband.  It isn't what you get, but what you give that sets you apart as a fine husband.  Ben, serves.  He doesn't seek to be served.  He is a servant leader.  I am thankful to have you Ben.  I am learning to cherish the time we have instead of protecting myself for a time that I do not yet know, man I love you!